Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i think my cat just said my name.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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