so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
