hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
