My liver just broke up with me...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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