I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
