Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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