were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Sober January is a disaster.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Terrible idea I love it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
