I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
That was before I lit my hair on fire
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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