i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he quoted the bible to break up with me
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize