I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I am naked and annoyed.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
