I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This is classic penis vs brain.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
