well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
