I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
If I die, sorry about rent.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
