just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
