my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
