they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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