when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
