why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
