I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize