pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
