i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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