i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
