cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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