i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
