Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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