Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
