i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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