I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
