I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
