I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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