I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
