Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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