Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
