No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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