Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
