I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
