so that wasnt chicken after all
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You are the jesus of drinking
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
