I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
