Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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