I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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