I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize