I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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