So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
