phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
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