Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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