I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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