omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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