Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
