Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Couch. On fire.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize