Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
