I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
do herpes really smell.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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