So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
