Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
