saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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