Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
