Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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