Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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