I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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