I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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