So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i think i have two assholes
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
