Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
