And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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