did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
