He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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