the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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