you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
