dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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