oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
