I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
