i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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