The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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